And her name is Evie
I’ve been hesitating to post that I brought a new friend home because I’ve been afraid people, (you know, the 2 people who have been reading this) would think I was simply trying to replace Ianto, now that he’s gone. I’m not sure why it would bother me so much that anyone think that, since it shouldn’t matter. Regardless, it made me hold back on saying anything other than on my Facebook, until now.
I do want to say, that I’m not trying to replace Ianto. Ianto was irreplaceable, as any pet is irreplaceable, for several reasons. Ianto had his own quirks, personality and style. He was a brat, a food hoarder and kick boxer in one tiny, furry body. He appreciated fine-dining and despised cleaning day and for the life of me, no other hamster will ever be like him.
But, after he was gone, I knew that there was a hole he had left behind and so much recently in my life has not been at all what I expected, that leaving that hole without filling it with something or someone, would just add to the holes that are already there and trying to heal.
Repairing a hurt with a snuggly, fuzzy, lovely hamster, is a far easier patch than the hurts you feel when you lose someone you love out of the blue or your days aren’t going well for no particular reason, or you just want to be successful and not wonder if you’re going to be one giant ball of fail when it’s time to be an adult.
It’s far easier to wake up to the squeakity-squeak of a little fuzzy-butt running in their wheel than find yourself laying awake because you can’t sleep without it.
It also helped, finding out that I’m not the only one who felt that way. I recently read a post on a wonderfully snarky and yet, so close to home blog called: Hyperbole and a Half, on a post where the author had recently lost her beloved pet rat to a brain tumor (Post found here: Isabelle) and was finding it hard to cope with the loss. Since I’ve lost several of my closest furry friends over the last three years, I can honestly say I related to her story and that when I saw this particular excerpt, it made me feel better about bringing Evie home:
Love is wonderful in that it can never be wasted or used up. We can never replace the people or animals we have loved, but the love we feel for them can be expanded. I like to think of love as being stretchy. It is easy to feel guilty when you start to love a new pet – like somehow that means you love your old friend less. But when you think of love as being stretchy and able to expand, you can see that there will always be room for everything. You can love as much as you want.
I can love as much as I want. There is enough room in my heart for a million, billion loves– Though I think my checking account shriveled up and died at the sheer thought of that– Love shouldn’t have an expiration date and it shouldn’t just curl up in a ball and sit in a corner when you’ve lost something that you love– like a Ianto. I still love him, no matter what, just as I still love my very first hamster, Ernie or my mouse, Alice or even my late Grandma’s cranky old dog, Rosie.
And I can love Evie, with just as much love as I had for Ianto, as I do for all my pets.
Little Evie, who plays freeze tag when I peek in her house, or during the first two days I had her, flattened herself out like silly putty, every time I tried to pet her, because she wasn’t sure I should be touching her. Little Evie who started trusting me enough a few nights ago, to fall asleep in my hand while I watched a movie.
She will be well loved.
I’ll post more later when I’ve stopped crying. I get a little emotional about these things and I realize now, that this post has meant more than just my pets, it applies to many things. It’s a good cry, it hurts and it’s a little like picking at a scab when it’s started to heal really well. But it’s good. It’s a cry I’ve needed.
So, maybe the next post will be funny. I’ll dust off the camera and try to capture Evie a little better than what can come of a camera phone. She really is a beautiful hamster, if I do say so myself and she’s got the sweetest little face. And if you’re tired of cute, I’ll whip out the pictures of the giant, grotesque spider my Mom spotted fifty miles away. That’ll get the blood flowing!
P.S. You’ll probably never read this and it’s probably pointless to put here, but just in case…
I’ll never understand, why what we had went the way it did and I’ll never understand why you talked to me like you hated me. But I think I can say now, that I forgive you. It still hurts and it stings to be reminded of you. And maybe you don’t feel you did anything wrong, or maybe you’re hurting every time you think of me. But just so you know.
I forgive you.