The Doggy Bloggy

The life of a 12-year-old puppy, in love with squeakies and Ol' Roys

The Squeaky Tutorial

Posted by faiththemutt on July 24, 2009

Disclaimer: Blog writer cannot be held responsible for any crossing eyes at the translation of Faith’s speaking into the written word.  Her speech defies all the rules of the English language.  You have been warned… If it helps, think of it as a mix between baby talk and the priest from Princess Bride.

JainaIcon: Hello again!  Hopefully you’re all enjoying a nice July day.  It’s been rainy and gross for the last day or so in our neck of the woods.

FaithIcon: By enjoying, you mean giving me mowr cookies…

JainaIcon: I’m pretty sure that’s not what I meant.

FaithIcon: Yuwi got one.

JainaIcon: Because Yuri has terrible breath and he needs his breath-mint cookies.

FaithIcon: Ummm… I can have tewwible bweth two.

JainaIcon: Look, he needs them, stop begging.

FaithIcon:But doggies can cownt!  Yuwi: 1 Faifh: none!

JainaIcon: You don’t need anymore cookies.

FaithIcon: Um, you had an Oweo wifout me eawier.  Does dat make your bweth bettew?

JainaIcon: Touché.

JainaIcon: Annnnyway.  Before we get totally and irrelevantly off-topic– Faith obviously has an obsession with squeaky toys.  I don’t remember when it started or when she began her collection, but I do know that since then, her toybox has gotten ridiculous.

FaithIcon: What?! Dere aren’t enuf bebes if you ask me!

JainaIcon: It’s full enough, but somehow she cutifies people into buying her new ones.

FaithIcon: Do nawt.

JainaIcon: Really?  Then how come mom’s bought you every Hartz toy currently available?

FaithIcon: Cuz, she’s my gwandma?  She has to buy her gwandpuppy twoys…

JainaIcon: Okay, how about my boyfriend?  You wouldn’t let him in the door unless he bought you something.

FaithIcon: If he wants to date my mommy, den he bettew bwing me someting to keep me fwom biting him!

JainaIcon: Alllll right, then what about me?  I don’t even know how much I’ve spent on squeakies in the last three years.

FaithIcon: …….

JainaIcon: Ooookay.  So this is a squeaky tutorial?

FaithIcon: A what?

JainaIcon: A tutorial– You’re going to show them your squeakies and explain why they’re your favorites and maybe why people should buy them for their dogs.

FaithIcon: Uh… Yes.

JainaIcon: Great.  Have at it.

FaithIcon: OK, pay attention not-fuwwy dogs– What you wearn today may save your puppy’s wife someday, so hewe awe some simple Doggy Wules:

Wule #1: Must feed doggy awl de cookies dey want.  Sewiously, don’t bweak dis one or doggy may haf to bite you.  Dats not good fow de welationship.

Wule #2: Buy doggy as many Squeakies as dey want– Don’t bweak dis one eiver or dey do dat biting ting again and dat’s no fun.  Not-fuwwy dogs taste twweible.

Wule #3: Wepeat wules 1 and 2 all de time, wif an occassional belly wub and bacon gwease tweat.  Or all de time.  Your call, just wemember de biting…

OK… Now we get to my favowite pawt.  SQUEAKIES!!!!  I will show you de pictuwes my mommy took wif hew flashy box tingy…

Sheep!

Sheep!

Dis is my sheep.  I just got him fwom my gwandma a wittle while ago, but he’s one of my favowite bebes.  He squeaks weally funny (maybe my mommy will wecowd it so you can heaw).  People always wagh when I squeak him fow no weason.

Goose!

Goose!

Dis is my goose.  I wish he honked wike a real goose, but he weally sounds wike a mouse.  But I stiww wuv it a lot.  Don’t worry geesies and duckies, I don’t twy to squeak weal ones… Maybe a squirrel.

Doggy!

Doggy!

Dis is my puppy.  I have wots of puppies, but dis one is my favowite owt of awl of dem.  Mommy says he wooks sea-sick– I tink he’s cute.  Even puppies need puppies.  Even if dey’re gween.

Oppossum

Opossum!

Dis is de… Poss..Posso… Gwandma cawls him “Woad Kill”… He doesn’t squeak anymowr, but I don’t cawe.  He’s my bebe.  At weast I don’t wook for weal woad kill.

Frog!

Frog!

Dis is de one-eyed fwog.  My mommy’s boyfwend:

Mommy's boyfriend... AKA: sucker

Mommy's boyfriend... AKA: sucker

He gave it to me to make me wike him.  I guess he’s okay… He needs to bwing me mowr soon, or I bite him.  I wike de fwog cuz he squeaks too… And he’s pwetty cute even wifout an eye.

Bunny!

Bunny!

Dis is my bunny!  Mommy used to have weal ones, but wouldn’t wet me squeak dem.  So she got me dis one so I wouldn’t twy.  I guess dat’s good enough.  For now.

FaithIcon: Awl right… I guess dis awl for now.  I told mommy I wanted to share my favowite twoys and I did.  And now I’m tiwed, I tink it’s time for a wittle nap.  Naps are de best and I take a wot of dem, even doe it takes a wot outta me. I’ll come back when I get a new squeaky, which I hope is soon– my twoy box is twooo empty!

JainaIcon: Is not.  And all of these are babies I find in my bed every morning– It’s really disturbing to wake up with an opossum in my face!

FaithIcon: Is twoo empty! And de pozzum just wuvs you a wot.

JainaIcon: Seriously, is not.  I’m not going to address the opossum, currently…

FaithIcon: Don’t you wuv me mommy?

JainaIcon: Of course I do, Faith.  You’re my baby.

FaithIcon: Den we go to Target tomowwow, okay?

JainaIcon: I’m not getting out of this one, am I?

Until next time, folks!

Jaina & Faith

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